A Slap of Reality

So a few days ago my father told me he needed to talk to me. And me being me I avoided home as much as I could because I didn't wanna know what he had to say. But I finally caved and sat and had a little chit-chat with him. He made me realize how lost I am; I'm 21 years old and I have no idea what I want to do with my life. He told me that I should spend some time thinking about what I wanna do with my life. Easier said than done especially for someone like me who still isn't even sure if my life is worth living. It's hard to know what I want to do with my life when I don't even want to live it. Sounds really suicidal and what not, but I assure you I've done the suicidal route and its just not my thing. 


Not only did my father want to tell me to figure out what to do with my life but he wanted more information on how I stand with my boyfriend(from the previous post)I found it ironic that my boyfriend got brought up into the conversation because since we started dating he has given me a reason to love life. He gave me happiness on the days I just wanted to break down and cry. He was my support when I needed it. He gave me joy when all I felt was hate from the world. He was my escape from all the bad that goes on in my life. And I was and still am addicted to everything we had. I still don't know what is gunna happen with our relationship or if he still considers us to be in a relationship; and I probably won't know until April when his sentencing hearing is and even then I'm not sure what will be on my mind and what my heart will feel. Right now I miss him every day and I cry every day because I don't get to be in his arms. It's so hard to get up every day knowing its another day I have to go on without seeing or speaking to him. It's been hard to let go so recently I've stopped trying to let go and I've been just letting my heart be consumed with what we had. I love him and I really don't care what other people have to say about our relationship and our pasts. So if you're reading this babe, I love you and screw the world, it's just you and me...

12-17-2011 The Day my life turned into hell

I was in a great relationship with a great guy, who I will be referring to as J; we started dating in September 2011 and he was my best friend. However he was addicted to crystal meth, and I started using with him after a few months of dating. Come the second time we used he abused me... and when the third time came along, he abused me again. But this time we did not make up a phony story to cover up; his mom called the police on him and sent me to the hospital. I had a broken nose and a lot of bruising on my face. This all happened the day before my 21st birthday. My life went from everything I've ever wanted to losing everything. Dealing with the injuries and all the legal aftermath has been causing a lot of stress on my part. But today (2-27-2012) my face is back to normal for the most part but my heart has yet to heal. Losing him that way was so hard because of the great connection we had. People always tell me I deserve better and what not and yes I agree but they don't know my boyfriend and they don't know what we had.  It's hard to explain the way I feel about him and its hard to tell people that I'm not completely over him. We had this connection that is impossible to explain to someone else, I could be myself around him and we never fought (except while using). Our relationship is so hard to move on from because of the lack of closure we had and the reason for our separation was caused by a third party. Due to the charges that the state of California is pressing against him there is a protection order that prohibits us from contacting each other. It's hard to go from hanging out with him every day and talking to him every day to literally not being allowed to talk to him or see him. 


I've been very confused with everything; my heart and my head are not agreeing and it's been hard to deal with. I love him and I miss him every day. People keep telling me that it stops hurting and that I'll move on and soon he will just be another guy, but I don't see that happening any time soon. I've tried to move on since he's been locked up but I found myself thinking about him while I was with the other guy. I find it hard to go to the places where me and my boyfriend went together many times. I've cried almost every day since the day we were pulled apart....