The one with quotes

"Live the life you love, Love the life you live." That is the quote that you can read on my necklace that I wear everyday. I wear it everyday but I never think about what those words mean everyday. Throughout my life I've had the struggle of loving my life, how could I when I wasn't sure if I wanted it. We are all in this world wondering why? What is the purpose of life? Maybe some of us wonder about that more than others, and I just happen to be one of those people. I know I'll probably won't be famous or be known for something historical, but I can only hope to make a difference in someones life. To make someone see that their life does matter. That you should always should follow your dreams, cause I didn't, I haven't; to the point that I don't know what my dreams are anymore. 

I'm 24 years old and I have no career, I just had the first taste of paying for my own doctors appointment. And wow I just feel soooo not ready for life. I almost had a breakdown the other day setting up a doctors appointment (something I never had to do before just recently.) I realized how much I still rely on my parents. Sure I don't live with them but they still pay my phone bill, I felt the need for my mom to come to my doctors appointment with me. (Even in the room while I was talking to the doctor.) I used to feel so grown up but lately I've been feeling very childish and naive. I don't know what I would do without my parents, I'd be so lost.... more lost than I already am.

Anyways on a more positive note I have a doctor now and she's nearby and I can finally start taking responsibility of my health, next step is to workout more. And with the help of T that's been pretty easy, we've been going on walks more often and playing basketball together. Soon though I want to step it up and start losing weight again, not just for my health but for my confidence. I've learned to accept my body for what it is because it's the only one I will have,  but my body is my temple and lately I've been abusing it. My health has gone down the drain in the past year or two and I need to gain control of my life. 

One of my Facebook friends posted something that made me think about my life and my health, "The word diet comes from the Latin word "Dieta" meaning, "Way of Life." So if you hate diets, it means you hate your way of life... Or maybe you're not in control of it?" I haven't been in control of my life since I moved out of my parents house and it's probably because I'm so used to their guidance. I thought moving out of my parent house would mean to gain control of my life and I guess it kind of did, but I crashed it right into a ditch. Now its time to figure out my way out of this ditch.......

Not everything is easy...

Man has this winter been putting me to the test. I've never been much of a winter fan and this one is just another winter to add to the list of shitty winters. I feel like I've lost myself this year, I was in such a better state of being last year and one could almost say I had a good winter, but this year it's the same old story: Depressed because I'm not where I wanted to be in the end of the year.  I feel like I've fallen into pieces and everything else has shattered with me. 

So with all that said my New Years resolution is to focus on me... Again. Get myself back to the happy, goofy Christie that so many miss. Next year will be about my health both physically and mentally. I'm going to be 24 years old in a few days and I'm no where near where I thought I would be when growing up. Sure I've got a full time job and just recently got medical insurance because of that, and I'm move out of my parents house, but I thought I would have at least graduated from college and had a career or at least a degree. I thought maybe I would be engaged or married with kids, that's no where near in my future. I thought I would be happy with the person I became, proud to be myself but I don't even know who I am. 

Many changes are to come next year and well I'm actually quite excited to see where I'll be next year at this time. I think it's the first time ever that I'm not just afraid for these changes but eager... It's just a matter of time until I start making my moves and baby my movement is forward so either hop on or be left in the dust. 

Where has the time gone?

WOW it's been  almost a year since I've posted. Wonder if anyone still reads this thing. T and I are still going strong living together now with our dog at his grandfather's house. I've been working full time since January at High Tech Burrito. Going through life day by day and trying not to focus on my past. I find myself becoming depressed lately. 

I've been seeing nothing but friends and acquaintances getting engaged or having a baby. And recently we've had our friend from out of town visiting us, with their six week old baby girl. And as I watch these young mothers post picture of their babies I only think of why can't I have one? Sure not now since clearly I'm not ready, but to know that even if I wanted to get pregnant I can't.  I haven't gone to the doctors for this specific issue because I'm scared. What if there really is no way for me to have a child from my own body? Sure there's adoption, but it's my right as a woman to be able to have my own child, but mother nature is depriving me from having what (almost) every girl dreams of.  


I've always loved babies and I think I would be a great mother, but maybe mother nature knows best? 

Holiday Spirit has Returned

Two years have past since everything that happened with J and so much has changed since then. I've finally gained my holiday spirit back and my smile is a little bit more genuine. This past year has been about growing and learning, well I think every year has a bit of each but this one had an extra amount. I want to thank all those who have stuck with me through these years and who has helped me become the person I am today. I don't think I would be able to be this strong if it wasn't for T. Sure we have our fights and have been under a lot of stress lately, but he's shown me that I can open my heart to someone again and he's patient when I have my bad days. It's almost been a whole year since we've met and it's crazy to me how long it's been cause it seems like just yesterday I was telling my girlfriends about this hot photographer I met. 

Another thing/person that helped me a lot this year was my Interpersonal Communications teacher, she challenged me this semester to let go of things and self-disclose. And I learned this semester that I really don't think that I'm gunna have full closure with J until I actually talk and apologized to J's mother. I still have undercover feelings for J but I can't deny that fact that I'm falling in love with T. My heart and head have been in a constant battle this year. 

I just started working at High Tech Burrito and its been great, I've learned my lesson and I know what not to do and I'm living a better life. I've been a bit stressed out because of work, but luckily I took this semester off. Working has been a great relief and it give T and I the perfect amount of space. I'm back in the groove of things and I couldn't be happier. 

There are things that I still can't share with anyone and I'm not comfortable about talking about them with people but I need to let it off my chest. Maybe with time I can find the strength and trust to find someone to talk to about something that I know everyone else is tired of hearing about.... but I feel like if I don't find someone to talk about it I'm gunna break soon. 

For todays post I chose "Still" by Frankie J, I used to love this song and would play it on repeat over and over again. I've realized that this year is the last year for the no contact order between J and I.... I've been nervous about if he would try to contact me after everything.... I mean I'm living a completely different life, and I wouldn't be able to let go of T, I do love him. But I think I would be open to having a friendship with J, just don't think I could ever date him again. And I don't know if T would ever allow that.... my mind has just been going crazy lately...

Puppy Love

Well T and I got a puppy, her name is Lola and she's two and a half years old. She's a red nose pit bull mix and a rescue dog. She was saved by this amazing family who run a non-profit organization out of their home in Stockton. T had been searching for weeks on craigslist and other adoption sites and we saw a lot of dogs. But he wanted to get a rescue after seeing some puppies in an ad to trade an iPhone for a puppy. We decided that even though it was a far drive that "Finding a Best Friend Abandoned Animal Rescue" was the place we would find our puppy. The two women who run this non-profit organization are seriously inspirational. They care for every single dog they rescue; they were willing to meet us halfway, answered any and every questions we had and have, stressed that they wanted to have updates on Lola, and the most amazing thing they did was lend us Lola's crate that they had so she could adapt easily, vitamins to help her immune system for the change of environment, and a bag of food to hold us over for a few days. What stands out to me about them is their a family working together, and the daughter who seemed to be around my age was the one who started it and her mother supported her through it. 

Lola was used for breeding and then dumped at a Stockton park, a few witnesses said they saw Lola try to get back in the car with the man who was dumping her, but he kicked her until she was unconscious. She was left for dead by the bus stop and people called the pound to pick up a dead dog. Somehow she regained consciousness and was roaming around the park. There were reports of people hazing Lola and allowing their dogs to chase and attack her at the park. She was picked up by the police and handed over to the pound (who gave her three days) but luckily one of the officers was and active advocate of "Finding a Best Friend Abandoned Animal Rescue" and contacted them since they had been trying to catch Lola for a few weeks while she was at the park. 

We drove to Stockton to meet Lola and another dog, Tia, who we were also interested in, but when we met Lola we knew she was gunna be our puppy. The first thing she did when we met was kiss both T and I on the face, we were told that she wasn't much of a kisser. Well that has definitely changed; I can't greet her without getting my face cleaned. It amazes me how much of a lovebug she is after all she has been through. She loves to cuddle between T and I, she knows who her mommy and daddy are. 

I feel like I can connect with Lola and a lot of rescue dogs because of what abuse she and I have been through, yet we are both still open to love and are lucky to have T in our lives. Without T I don't even want to think about how my life would be, he has been my rock for a while now and even though we have had our fights we move forward and grow. Getting Lola has definitely brought us closer even though I've gotten a bit jealous and mad at T I think we do make a good team to give Lola the life she deserves to have. 

On another note, I was one Facebook the other day and saw an article my cousin posted called Marriage Isn't For Me. T has mentioned that he doesn't think marriage is for him so I clicked on it out of curiosity. And its quite inspirational, whether you are a man or woman, the fatherly advice in this article is perfect for anyone with cold feet before getting married or questioning if their significant other is the right one. Anyways here is the link for the article check it out. 

http://sethadamsmith.com/2013/11/02/marriage-isnt-for-you/

For todays post I decided to pick the song "Never Again" by Nickleback, its a song about domestic violence and how a woman shouldn't have to go through it and what not. And how the woman in the song would never have to go through it ever again. Lola and I will never feel the abuse we have been through, T won't let that happen to us. 

Bit of Happiness

Things between T and I have been a bit rocky, until the other day. We both had profiles on a social network that is like a dating version of facebook. I had a lot of insecurities about what he was doing on it and it caused a lot of fighting between us. But yesterday when I was checking his profile I couldn't find it. Me being me I automatically think he blocked me, but he told me he deleted his profile because of how stressed it makes me. (I deleted mine shortly after)

I'm not sure what this means and where this leads us, but I am a lot happier and it is a big weight off my shoulders. But I'm scared that he thinks I'm pressuring him into a relationship. I don't want him thinking that I'm selfish because I want a relationship with him. It's hard for me not to react the way I do sometimes. I'm scared that I've let him in and I'm vulnerable again.

After J I shut down my heart and feelings to any and all male attention. I swore I was never gunna let my walls down and I wouldn't let any guy in. But after a few months of hanging out with T my walls started cracking, and they are finally down to the point I've let him in. I'm terrified of what is going to happen.

I'm scared to tell him I love him and I keep thinking in my head when to tell him. I say in my head all the time but I'm scared to tell him. I'm scared cause what if he doesn't want me to love him? What if he doesn't love me back? I know he has said it when he was intoxicated a while back. But now when I'm actually in love with him I'm scared to say it. I almost feel guilty for saying it cause I know he doesn't want to be in a relationship right now. 

For this post I decided to pick the song "Distance" by Christina Perri featuring Jason Mraz. T and I have been seeing each other for almost eight months now (that's longer than some of my official relationships). I'm always wondering how long until he will let me in, if he will let me in. I can only stay here waiting, but at least we are moving forward and not apart. 

Giving up

I don't think I can do this anymore, I don't want to smother T but I don't want him talking to all these other girls. I think he made a new Skype account and is just being a camera whore with these other girls and I guess some would argue it's just online but in any case it's a sexual act and I just don't like it. He always argues that we aren't in a relationship and we aren't but is it so bad that I want one with him? Why is he the only one who doesn't see that? 

I feel like I'm just a toy he likes to play with, he tries to assure me he feels the same way but actions always speak louder than words. Clearly we don't agree on what is right and wrong, I don't know anymore. I'm getting really tired of feeling like I'm his entertainment and when I'm not here he has no problem finding other girls to entertain him. I don't think I can do this I think I need to just realize me and t are only going to be friends and I need to start looking for someone who will appreciate me. 

I thought that finding older guys would mean they are more mature and up front about things but I guess I was wrong. I wish I could just find someone who realizes what he has. I just feel like I've been investing my everything in whatever kind of relationship me and t have and I've been getting a half ass appreciation (if any). 

I'm not going to include a song today because I'm writing on my cell phone but if you want to look up on YouTube my song for today would have been confidence by Joe dub I've gained a lot of confidence and I only have more to gain and I'm starting to stand up for myself and soon enough ain't nobody gunna stop me.